Today, I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to not be everyone’s caregiver. It may sound selfish, but it isn’t. Boundaries and self care are so incredibly important and necessary to foster good mental and emotional health and well being.

I was always the friend who looked out for everyone. I was the people pleaser because I thought that’s how love worked. The whole “do unto others as you’d have done unto you” drilled into my psyche. I was always thinking ahead, planning, and anticipating to meet everyone’s needs. I was always a parent, an old soul, and so mature for my age. It’s a tremendously heavy and unhealthy burden to bear.

I was raised to be a caregiver by my family. Taught that I should cater to my father’s needs and whims, that I’m my brother’s keeper, and an emotional dumping ground for my mother. And I was expected to not ever really accomplish much of anything in my own life, other than to get married and be a mom.

I was consistently shown that my needs didn’t matter and took a backseat to everyone else’s. I wasn’t fully allowed to just be a child or person.

Growing up, I would watch my mother, who was also raised this way, become angry, burned out, and, at times, be incredibly selfish and cruel. She didn’t want children of her own so early on in her life. She wanted to party and be free. It just didn’t work out like that for her. She resented it, as displayed through some of her actions and in journals I found after her passing.

My mother had basically raised her sisters and then, upon becoming an adult, pretty immediately became a mother to me. She was always a parent and never could enjoy just being young. Her identity and purpose were wrapped in caring for others and in responsibility.

Who would care and comfort me, though? Oftentimes, I was neglected. I was used and taken advantage of. Manipulated and looked down upon. Rejected. Abused. My most basic of emotional needs rarely met. Inherently, I came to believe my worth was tied to my usefulness to others.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been on a trauma healing journey, though and I’m realizing all of this now. Through soul searching and trauma research, I’ve discovered that the answer to the question of who will care for me is me. I have to put in boundaries to protect myself. I’m not everyone’s parent. Not my parents’ parents, not my friends, my brother’s, my spouse, or strangers on the internet or beyond. Nope. It’s not my responsibility.

I have needs too and I choose to honor myself by caring for me. Boundaries help me have authentic connection in my relationships and any care I give is by choice and not programming. The cycle of generational trauma will end with me.

If you’ve ever experienced anything similar, please feel free to share in the comments.

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